the solution to all your problems

from this month's Vanity Fair:

"Let us call him Mystery Man, although he followed a pattern dismally
familiar to single women everywhere. After an elaborate courtship,
Hatcher opened her heart to a handsome guy who convinced her that she
was entering a magical new relationship, only to have him disappear as
soon as she'd let down her guard. He chamed, he conquered, he said,
'I'll call you,' and- poof- he was gone.

'Look what I bought,' Hatcher says, laughing even as tears stream down
her face. She holds out a book wth a shocking-pink cover. 'He's Just
Not That Into You! Can you believe I bought that? I thought there
must be something in there about a guy who does this to you, and here
it is- a whole chapter on guys who disappear! 'He's Just Not That Into
You If He's Disappeared On You!' That's what I needed to read! It's so
accurate! 'No answer is your answer... His silence is a deafening 'See
you later.' The only reason to ever write him again is to give him the
chance to say it louder.' Oh my god! His silence is my answer!"

BUT, GET READY FOR THE BEST PART:

In the amazon.com reviews for the book, CHECK OUT HOW CRAZY THIS WOMAN SOUNDS:
"I have downloaded both of his books and its on my Ipod as I play him in my head all the time.. I know find myself spouting "gregisms".. and don't waste my time with the wrong guys anymore.. it is a lot more simple then women realize.

THE ONLY problem I had was with the longer audio edition.. in the short version Greg and his wife read.. but in the longer version some other guy is reading and its just awful.. Greg can get away with saying "super fox" this other guy sounds like a pitchy annoying car salesman.. very fake.. I had to turn off that version after five minutes.. so I wish Greg would have done his own audio on the longer version.

IF he does you bet I am downloading it... Greg Behrendt should be in EVERY womans head.. its way overdue.. you will not be dissapointed with this book or the audio (well except, as said, the long version.. ugh!)"

GOOD GOD, WOMAN. GET A GRIP!

today's accomplishments

1. used hot rollers for the first time, resulting in slightly more luscious hair. needs further improvement.
2. bought two pairs of shoes. (see above) resisting the urge to cher horowitz it and say i broke in my purple clogs.
3. discovered sugar-free red vines, at tarzhay.
4. applied for 8 jobs.
5. facebook-stalked approximately 4958350943850938450938543 people.
6. successfully explained to my grandparents that a) i was now single, b) that i was not going to fall about or die of heartache or become miss havisham, c) why it would be a while before they had any great-grandchildren, d) that my break-up does not place a hex or curse upon the mets' chances for success this season, ALL WITHOUT A SINGLE TEAR.

shout out from Will Shortz

Today's NYT crossword, 15 across, 4 letter word for "Epitome of redness".

Answer?

Beet.

(duh)

Also, any word on the new Jodi Picoult book, The Tenth Circle, advertised in today's Arts&Leisure section? "How far would you go for someone you love?"

Hollywood F, C, M

Wilmer Valderrama was on Howard Stern yesterday, totally kissing & telling about all his Hollywood conquests. Best part? They played Fuck, Chuck, Marry (or as they called it, Fuck Marry Kill). Wilmer's choices?

Lindsay Lohan- F
Mandy Moore- M
Jessica Alba- K

The "All Women Wilmer Had Slept With" Round
LiLo- M
Mandy Moore- F
Jennifer Love Hewitt- K

(for the record, I agree with the first one, but in the second, I would F LiLo and M Mandy. Wilmer must know something I don't...)

Lo-Cal Sweet Tooth, continued

Yesterday I went to the Supermarket Where Rumors Abound, i.e. every time I go there I somehow run into K, chat with her for 15 seconds, and then within 3 hours, everyone within a 40 mile radius knows what I'm doing, where I've been, and where I'm going. Thankfully, she did not make an appearance this time.

My new discovery is Kozy Shack No Sugar Added Rice Pudding (100 cals per Jello-ish sized container), which really tastes like 'real' rice pudding and is therefore v satisfying. Apparently it also comes in Tapioca (90) and Chocolate, neither of which I've sampled yet.

Note: I add a sprinkling of cinnamon, which is quickly becoming my Spice Of Choice. It's great sprinkled in coffee! It adds a bit of kick to Better N' Peanut Butter (so yummy: mini pitas from TJ's, Better N' PB, and a pinch of cinnamon)! etc. And also, reduced-fat cinnamon graham crackers are, fyi, same calorie counts as regular reduced fat grahams.

observations from last night

A. I love a good Fondue.

B. The Ex-A-Sketch (my new name for the Sketchy Ex Boyfriend, not to be confused with the Ex-Boy) was kind of more attractive than I've ever found him before. This means that I may take him up on a dinner date this week, assuming that:

B1. My new, skinny jeans are successfully shortened by then.
B2. He selects a sufficiently appealing restaurant. (See: Stephen Starr's new ventures, A).

C. The Bachelor (my new name for Mr Menu Binder/ stuffed animals aplenty), although he is your new Friendster friend, said the following two un-endearing things to me last night:

C1. Grey's Anatomy is unrealistic. Oh, exCUSE me, Mister Doctor Man, but it's okay to find pleasure in a show that isn't representative of reality. Even reality tv is unreal! That doesn't make it any less enjoyable.
C2. "I'm not really that into Kelly Clarkson." This one came in the midst of our KC singalong. While I would probably question the sexuality of a man who REALLY loved KC, have some Respect.

Ring #2

WHILE we're posting rings,

I may as well go hog-wild and post my Dream Ring. (Up until recently it had been just a plain solitaire in a platinum setting but now I think this one is gorgeous. Cushion cut, preferably, for max sparkle).

Post Break-Up, I've sort of discovered something:

I feel like I take up less space in the world, now that I'm not with The Boy anymore.

Not in a good way. I feel like I matter less, somehow. In college, my friends & I used to joke around about, if we were kidnapped, how long would it take before people would realize? It varied, girl to girl. Some girls were very much always around, and we gave them only a few hours before we'd be calling the police. Here, I live alone. I used to talk to The Boy every morning and every night, so he would definitely know if I were M.I.A. My friends who I'm in classes with would theoretically realize if I missed a Tuesday or Thursday class, but if I vanished on a Friday, no one would realize until Tuesday. It's a lonely feeling.

I know the websites that he posts on, and I've been reading them a little bit (hey, it's public property!). I found out that it is a distinct possibility that he will not be in New York next year. If he goes to the city that is now in consideration, I will not be able to "coincidentally" end up there. We will have no chance of getting back together. I don't know why this upsets me so much; it's not like we have PLANS to get back together.

This is depressing. I wouldn't admit this to anyone. But you're right. There's something in the anonymity.

Team Aniston

Bought the new Vogue with Jennifer Aniston on the cover, to-be-read at the gym tomorrow. She looks just lovely.

Angelina may have more sex appeal (i.e. if I were to have a threesome, I'd rather it be with her), but I think being on Team Jolie will come back and karmically kick you in the ass: your husband will cheat on you, guaranteed.

Letter

Dear Friend,

I have spent the past day looking at books on Amazon.com with titles such as "He's Just Not that Into You," "It's Called A Break-Up Because It's Broken," and "How To Break Your Addiction to a Person." I have reached a new low.

So forgive me if I don't want to hear about the gorgeous dog you're pet-setting for, or the gorgeous boyfriend who bought you gorgeous Marc Jacobs sunglasses for no occasion in particular, or the gorgeous house you're living in for the week, or the gorgeous vacation you just took to a gorgeous little island.

It's not that I'm not happy for you. I am. And I even might be able to stomach all this gorgeousness, if you didn't INTERRUPT ME IN THE MIDDLE OF MY STORY, COMPLETE WITH TEARS & HYPERVENTILATION, to tell me about all this. Also, if this hadn't happened the past FOUR TIMES WE'VE SPOKEN.

So don't be alarmed that I'm not returning your phone calls. I'm taking a gorgeous little break from you.

Love,
Me.

Jean-ious

I once read that the average woman tries on 40 pairs of jeans before she buys one.

I mean, honestly, it is SUCH a production. First, I discover that bloomingdales has switched around the entire set-up of the store, allegedly to "increase flow" or some other such nonsense, and I am totally lost. Finally I manage to navigate around, but am still totally thrown off. Can someone please explain these "skinny cut cigarette jeans" to me? Relative to I'd say 95% of the population, I would be considered a skinny girl. These things make me look ENORMOUS. They are just not flattering if you weigh more than 90 pounds. So I have to pick through those, making sure that I find something with at least a slight bootcut.

Then, I try on 398450395843098 pairs of jeans. No rhyme or reason to sizes, sending salesgirls out right&left to find more. I emerge from the dressing room with two pairs of jeans, feeling like I've gone through a freakin' war. (Mind you, this entire experience is roughly four trillion times better than when I tried to go to a boutique with an armful of jeans, only to be told that you can only bring in ONE PAIR AT A TIME. You must be joking, I said. The whole point is that you have to COMPARE.)

Only to realize that I still have to go get these stupid jeans shortened, and until I do so, they are totally useless.

Sigh.

How to.. continued

Buy hot new jeans.

Tell the Bartender you were dumped. It will result in free drinks with extra olives.

Tell Platonic Cute Boy you were dumped. It will result in a hug.

Develop a chocolate allergy.

Ensure that, in the event of a catastrophic tragedy, at your funeral your friends will make Ex-Boyfriend feel Guilty to the point of Suicide.

Keep Your Fabulous Gay Friends around.
("you are the best thing that has ever happened to him
for you to date him, you took a step down and he def. move a step up and somehow you two met in the middle"

"i canot beleive this
i feel like he broke up with me - i am pissed"

"i hate men
let's become lesbians.")

How to...

How To Survive Being Dumped: A Work in Progress...
(aka where I've been the past few days)

Be as busy as you can possibly be. It helps if you're in a graduate-degree program and have somehow avoided doing any work until this week.

Buy yourself hot pink roses, because you are a hot girl, and because you deserve beautiful things. Also, because The Boy (ahem. The Ex-Boy) only sent you red ones, even though pink are your favorite.

Work out A TON. You will feel better (endorphins). You will look hotter (skinny). And men apparently find sweat attractive because it makes them think of sex, because you will be hit on more than you ever dreamed possible.

Surround yourself with ex-boyfriends and ex-admirers. Let them call you. Let them email you. Let them buy you a drink. They will make you feel utterly&totally adored.

Smile at the Homeless Man. He will tell you look gorgeous, and he used to be a Player but now he's a Coach, and if he had $5 he would spend it on me.

Wear high heels. You will give the impression that you have all the 'tude you need, even if you don't feel it.

Listen to Kelly Clarkson. Make 'Walk Away' your anthem. Listen to more Kelly Clarkson.

Make a list of Bad Things about your Ex. For inspiration, consider the gifts he has given you over the past few years.

Breathe in, breathe out, even when it seems hard.

the only thing that's keeping me holding on

by a thread.

minus the turtleneck...

... I kind of want this to be my life.

Also, this morning at the gym, I read in some celeb weekly that Harrison Ford had proposed to Calista recently, by bringing her a cup of coffee and a croissant in bed, with an engagement ring inside the croissant bag. Add in a Sunday Times and it sounds like the perfect, casual, unrehearsed, uncheesy proposal. Is it wrong that I started SOBBING while working out when I read this?

accessorizing

my new bracelet (self-made, thankyouverymuch, and originally conceived of as a necklace).

plus, Reason #498549859485 it's good to keep ex-boyfriends around:
"Are you really sad? You're an amazing girl if you're anything like you used to be. Any guy would be lucky to be with you."

TJ's Part Deux

omg so TJ's is TOTALLY different than Whole Foods. They serve completely different purposes! At some point we may need to add some other establishment in and do a F,C,M although it makes me nervous just THINKING about even choosing between them!

Some of my TJ's faves, for next time:
- TJ's tomato-less corn&chile salsa (15 cals for 2 tbsp!)
- TJ's frozen turkey meatballs (50 cals per)
- TJ's frozen eggplant parmesan (270. but I like it better than most Lean Cuisines)
- TJ's vat o' mini chocolate chip cookies (130 calories for 15 cookies, which feels really indulgent because you get to have SO many)
- wide variety of chicken sausages
- TJ's no salt added tomato sauce (50 cals per 1/2 cup)
- I far prefer TJ's frozen fruit (for mixing with CW) to Whole Foods', for some reason.
- (Non-food related) They have an all natural room spray in orange citrus that is really just a must-have.

PLUS THE WINE SELECTION IS WONDERFUL.

and as a calorie splurge, TJ's Australian licorice is consistently the freshest I've ever had.

I've never tried the 5-layer dip. How is it?

Discoveries of the Weekend

1. Better N' Peanut Butter. With 85% less fat and 40% less calories than real PB, this is an absolute godsend for me because I am SO that girl who stands in the kitchen with a jar of peanut butter and a spoon. Love this stuff.

http://www.betternpeanutbutter.com

2. Vitalicious Vita Muffins, in the Chocolate flavor. Great alone, great slathered in #1.

3. This store (Mint Julep):
"Distraught by the chain-ification of the area, Mint Julep owners Brooke Garber and Stephanie Nist wanted to bring a little funkiness back to the Square — to the tune of their new shop, which stocks labels like Ben Sherman, Tibi, and Ella Moss.

Even Brookline devotees might find themselves crossing the Charles to pick up additional lines from Ted Baker, Orla Kiely, and Rachel Pally — as well as local accessories from the likes of Garnish and Designs by Hillary.

The new location is so close to the eternal line at the Border Cafe, you can easily duck out and buy yourself a new getup before they’ve even poured your margarita.

Or, more fittingly, your mint julep." (courtesy of Daily Candy)

4. This blog. He makes me laugh.
http://freshpepper.blogspot.com/

5. I have a Not-So-Secret Admirer who is a bit of a blast from the past. And this couldn't have come at a better (lower) time.


Now if only I could discover how to put links in my damn posts! (Anyone know how to do it on a MAC?)

a typical email from my mom

"i wonder how tom let katie be in this movie
(it was probably filmed before their relationship began)

i've heard that he's the ultimate control freak, re writing her scripts,
having her study scientology for hours a day.
maybe rumors but he grosses me out.

love
mom"

I mean, DUH.

The Birth of the 8 POUND CHALLENGE

Charlabeet: you are a woman with a plan
Tarabeet: exactly
Tarabeet: the plan also involves losing 8 lbs
Charlabeet: hotness
Tarabeet: which is really an unrelated plan
Charlabeet: lets have an 8 lb challenge
Charlabeet: i realize i have an advantage
Charlabeet: since i weigh more
Charlabeet: and thus can lose faster
Charlabeet: but it could still be fun
Tarabeet: okay!
Tarabeet: great!
Tarabeet: i have a gym membership
Tarabeet: so perhaps it will even things out
Charlabeet: hahhaha yes!
Charlabeet: life's great equalizer!

why i am still in bed

As per a four hour conversation last night in which I managed to stay uncharacteristically calm&cool&collected, it is seeming increasingly likely that The Boy and I will perhaps be parting paths.

As a result, it is 8:17 am. On any normal day, I would already worked-out for 1 hour and 17 minutes. Why is today different from all other days? On this day I have lounged comfortably in my bed.

This lack of gym-ing does not mean I will be letting myself get fat. To the contrary, my friend, I will now have more incentive than ever. I just plan on hitting the gym when it is less crowded, for a four or five hour block this afternoon. Call me crazy, but I'm expecting to be newly-on-the-singles market.

I have bought 2 pairs of shoes and charged them to my parents' credit card. The wonders of online shopping. Retail therapy in sweatpants.

on an unrelated note, I had a paper due last night at midnight. The plan was to start it at 8, after SVU. Unfortunately, USA decided to do a total mindfuck and flip Criminal Intent with SVU, thus airing SVU from 8-9. Cleary, I still had to watch it. At 10, I realized there was not a chance in hell that I'd be finishing my paper. So I sent my professor the following email.


Subject Line: Assignment 2

Dear Professor X,
Here is my paper. Have a great weekend!
See you in class next week,
Tarabeet


no paper attached. It bought me TONS of additional hours, at least 3 hours until after she writes back and says I didn't attach the document.

Any guy would be lucky to have a girl as brilliant as me, n'est-ce pas?

Shhh

i love this website. they update every sunday.

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

cool whip revisited

Another alternate partnering with our old friend, Mister Reliable, Cool Whip:
sliced bananas.

Potential menage a trois, as yet unexplored:
sliced bananas, CW, and JellO sugar-free chocolate pudding (so elusive. I haven't found it ANYwhere yet but everyone is abuzz).

I sense a Fuck, Chuck, Marry coming on:
Chocolate
Cool Whip
Peanut Butter?

Cool Whip
Dreyer's Slow Churned Ice Cream
Sugar-Free Hershey's Bar (aka Laxatives R' Us, beware)?

the revolution is upon us

This will rock your world. Seriously.

Shirataki Noodles. I bought mine from Whole Foods.

An enormous bag. Only 20 calories. Not per serving. For the WHOLE bag. Apparently they're made from taro root and tofu or something, but they taste like pasta, I swear. I bought the fettucini AND the noodle-shaped ones. The only bummer of them is that they smell AWFUL (don't let this turn you off entirely) so you have to rinse them very thoroughly first. Rinse, then boil for 2-3 minutes (these instructions are for the wet form). Drain, rinse again.

Freakin' amazing.

I've had them with tomato sauce, with a spritz of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter & some parmaggiano cheese, and in miso soup broth.

I heart...

... pockets in formal wear, a la Miss Bullock.

Museum of Finding Ass

The First Friday of every month at the MFA is apparently Boston's #1 singles scene and a major meet/meat market. I did not realize this going into it.

I did realize something was fishy when, 3 minutes after my arrival, I had a man make loud, leering kissing noises at me.

5 minutes in, a woman approached me and asked me, "How old is too old for a man who wants to date you? Because my boss thinks you're beautiful. And he'll buy you drinks."

10 minutes in, a man said, "I'm sure you get this all the time, but you look exactly like Penelope Cruz." Why no, I don't get that all the time. Because I don't look a thing like Penelope Cruz.

15 minutes in, a fat old man approached me and my friend and proceeded to have the nerve to think he was anywhere approximating Hot/Interesting Enough to merit a close-talking discussion. We walked away to "go find our friends" and he shot us dirty looks the rest of the night.

18 minutes in, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum sidled up and declared that "the art here sucks. Not that I know much about art, but it sucks." Here's a tip: we're the wrong girls to say that to, jackass.

and so on. I have never felt so adored and so skeeved out.

Boxers or Briefs?

Last night the Family came into town and we wined&dined&caroused& then saw Jerry Seinfeld perform. He was absolutely hysterical. I laughed so hard I cried. and he even reprised "But I don't want to be a pirate!" and the 10-steps-to-an-accurate "Hello Newman" in a special Q&A encore.

But one thing he said really stuck with me. He said it's pretty easy to "own and operate a man." If you're a woman, all a man wants from you is that you are somewhere between Boxers and Briefs. He wants the support of Briefs, to know which way he's pointing and where his head is. But he also wants the freedom of Boxers, to have room to breathe and just hang out.

I don't think I'm good at that. I think, this time around, I'm more Briefs than Boxers. And I think it's starting to be an issue. In the past, it's been the reverse. Or rather, it's been that I've been to afraid to be the Briefs that I end up pretending to be the Boxers, which has led people to think I don't care. And I think my inability to find a balance between the two is really a major problem.

feeling a bit blue & introspective today.

one guess

where I am ce soir.

Details to come!

Bisoux.

hypothetical

at what point is it better to hold something in versus making a big RR-style confrontation of it?

like, for instance, Hypothetically... if your Boyfriend's family were to be from a certain South American Country (unfortunately NOT located in Africa, contrary to popular opinion)... and if said Boyfriend had always talked about plans for Summer 06 as involving either a trip to Paris or a trip to Aforementioned Country, with Girlfriend... The Motorcycle Diaries! Sunny weather! Adventure! Romance! Excitement! A place she'd never otherwise visit!... but suddenly it becomes clear that this Trip will now NOT involve Girlfriend. Rather, it will involve two Male Friends. It has been made palpably clear that Girlfriend no longer factors into Summer Plans.

would it be right to say something? Not that Girlfriend would even WANT to go anymore given that he clearly doesn't want her to.

But still, I feel hurt. do I suck it up and not say a peep, or confront him about it? Either way, I won't be going, so it seems not-worthwhile to say something...

Rudeness & the United States Postal Service

so apparently my previous post in re: ex-boyfriends who don't say thank you for birthday cards was a bit premature. or misdirected. After much discussion and debate, he maintains that he never received the card. And I think I believe him.

This has led to some rather odd communications, particularly via text message.

Take, for example, this Freudian gem (verbatim)...

me: Im sorry i spent a week pissed off at you.
him: Next time say something please
me: Yeah i hated you for an entire week.
him: Everything i do these days makes you have me a little!

haVe?! haVe?! HATE! HATE! HATE!

C, is that you?

i'm pretty sure that these are the words of a former boyfriend.

Girl #1: He told me not to worry about his girlfriend. He was like, "You know you're gonna like it!"
Girl #2: Oh my god, that's so your type! Like, borderline rapist!

--Bungalow 8, West 27th Street

from http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/004453.html

my boyfriend's back

and he's better than ever...

Nicole R spotted out&about again with DJ AM.

Hoo-rah.

hello beautiful

Those who know me well know that I'm a Secret Slob ("Stradlater was more of a secret slob. He always looked all right, Stradlater, but for instance, you should've seen the razor he shaved himself with. It was always rusty as hell and full of lather and hairs and crap. He never cleaned it or anything. He always looked good when he was finished fixing himself up, but he was a secret slob anyway, if you knew him the way I did. The reason he fixed himself up to look good was because he was madly in love with himself. He thought he was the handsomest guy in the Western Hemisphere. He was pretty handsome, too - I'll admit it."). But there are some Beauty Essentials that I can't live without. The ones that if they stopped producing, I don't know what I'd do with myself. Et voila:

(in no particular order):
1. Seda France candles, especially in Japanese Quince (for winter) and French Tulip (for all other seasons).
2. Ligne St Barth coconut soap.
3. Suave Body Wash in tropical coconut.
4. The Body Shop Body Butter in Coconut. (noticing a trend?)
*Disclaimer: I HATE the Body Shop. Despise it. I have to walk past one almost every day and the scents make me ill. Totally nauseous. But this Body Butter is HEAVEN. It smells like REAL coconut, not artificial. It's moisturizing. It's great for massages. etc etc etc etc.
5. C.O. Bigelow Mint lip balm. It's so minty that it doubles as a breath mint in emergencies. Apparently they now make it tinted? Have to investigate.