no words

so so sorry for texting you last night! Hope I wasn't TOO much of a pain.

This situation is making me act like a crazy person. Met The Southerner and his roommates (not The Psycho) for a movie. He surprised me with yellow-cake Hostess cupcakes (obviously, best enjoyed with Diet Coke) but the whole time I wondered why he wasn't holding my hand.

Out to dinner, after the movie, during Sancerre and G&T's, we became enmeshed in one of Those Conversations.

Me: I hate how I've been acting lately, and I can't figure out why and I can't stop myself.
Him: Lots of things are up in the air for you now. You feel insecure. You feel unsettled.

Hard to hear, but true.

We sat there for hours. We closed down the restaurant.

But what I couldn't say, because I'm still too scared, and because I'm afraid of ruining things, and because I was too drunk to articulate it properly...

Yes. I'm not living the life that I thought I would be. Things ARE unsure, things are uncertain, things are up in the air. It DOES make me feel insecure. But this.. relationship is the embodiment of that. I hate having to worry about what to call you when I RSVP for my office Christms party, or what if my dad accidentally introduces you to someone as my boyfriend when we visit NY next weekend, or whether inviting you to do X activity is too "couple-y."

....

clearly, I still don't even know what I'm trying to say.