One Sided

Remember, a couple of weeks ago, when I said I had to talk to you? And then we put it off because your parents were coming to town, because we didn't want conflict, because we slept together, because things were going so well?

Yeah, then. I think we still need to talk.

I know, we we were just going to spend the night cooking and watching a movie and having sex. It was going to be our own private Thanksgiving, since we can't spend the holiday together. It still can be... but later.

I know, it sounds worse than it is, really. It always sounds bad, when someone says they need to talk. But I do. Need to talk, I mean.

I guess it's been a few things that have made me realize that I need to do this.

Well, like last Friday, for example. When I came home after sharing a bottle of Sancerre with Z, who had been in Argentina for two months, and you met me here. We talked about our nights, and you asked if I had told Z "about us." It was dark, so maybe you couldn't see how I wrinkled my face, and it was late, so maybe you couldn't hear that I wasn't just kidding when I said quietly, "Well, what would I tell her?"

No, really, what would I tell her? You and I have been sleeping together exclusively? We've been dating, we've been making each other laugh, we've been text messaging all day long, we've been fucking eachother, we haven't been fucking other people?

Or a couple of weeks ago, when we were walking back from the bar, when I ran away dramatically, slowly, so you would catch me. And everyone else walked ahead of us, beating us to your house by half an hour, but we ambled down side streets and not-so-shortcuts so we could finish our conversation, and you worried about whether my new boots were hurting my feet. (They weren't. I might be stronger than you think.) You yelled at me then, "It's like you're always just waiting for me to fuck you over! Like you interpret everything I do like this might be it, this might be the time I fuck you over." And you were so right. I do. I am. You reassured me that you care about me, that you like me, that you have fun with me.

But I feel like that's not enough to make me feel sure. I don't generally think of myself as an insecure person. Really, I don't. But this lack of clarity around... us... it makes me feel unsure. It makes me act like a person I don't want to be.

And also? You've said to me, offhandedly, at least three times. "I'm worried about this moving too fast." I just want to understand, for you, what does "too fast" mean? What is the right speed?

No, I'm really not angry with you.

I'm not! I just want to understand.

I have such a good time with you. You know that. I hope you know that. You should know that. It's not even that I want things to change! I don't know what I want, except to know more about what this is, how you see this.

Are we like X and Y?

No, it's a serious question. Are we?

Well, how are we not? We sleep together, we hang out, we like spending time together...

I'm not trying to be difficult. How are we not just fuck buddies? Or buddies who fuck?

Fine, then what are we?

Really, I want to know! In your opinion, what are we?

I have no idea! We act in ways that, in past relationships, I would act if I were someone's girlfriend. We talk every morning and every night, we text during the day, I've met your parents, I talk about you to mine, we hold hands in the park, you kiss me on the cheek in front of people and stand to greet me when I enter the room, you rearrange seats so you can sit next to me...

I know I'm not your girlfriend. So what am I?